Category Archives: Humor/humour

Lies parents tell their children

29 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by in Humor/humour, Parenting

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My kids don’t read my posts, which gives me a certain freedom to write about the parental white lies in which I engage.

When we lived in Cambridge, England, last year, the nights that we had homemade burritos were few and far between because I just couldn’t find the ingredients in the grocery stories.  Here in the US, with the substantial Hispanic and Chicano population, it’s not a problem.

When I make burritos, my kids rebel against the vegetarian version of refried beans.  They like the “traditional” version with lard.  As a vegetarian, I abhor the lard, but I have always bought both the traditional and the vegetarian because the kids say they can tell the difference.  When they were younger and not as polite as they are now (ha!) they used to make loud gagging noises and spit out the vegetarian refried beans if they accidentally made their way into the burritos.  Needless to say, I always bought both types to satisfy all palates.

Except when I didn’t.

One day about five years ago I found that I had only vegetarian refried beans in the house, and I was not about to run out to the store to get a can of traditional refried beans.  So I faked it.

I put two cans of the veggie refried beans in a casserole dish, drew a line down the middle, then smoothed out one side and “fluffed up” the other.

Half vegetarian, half "traditional"

Half vegetarian, half “traditional”

Then, when the kids wanted to know which was the “good stuff”–meaning the lard-ridden beans–I pointed to the fluffed-up side.

The kids didn’t know the difference and happily chowed down.

And now that’s what I do every time we have burritos.  We had burritos last night, and after John, my 16-year-old, asked which side had the “good stuff,” he snarfed up a large spoonful of it.  I asked him if I could take a photo, which I did.

John happily scooping up veggie refried beans for his burrito.

John scooping up veggie refried beans for his burrito.

And because they don’t read my posts, John and his older and younger sisters will never know that they have been happily eating vegetarian burritos for the past five years!

Are there any white lies you tell your kids to just be able to get through the day (and keep your kids healthier)?

US presidential election: Best Cartoons and Comments

09 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Humor/humour, US vs UK

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This US presidential election has inspired some of the best political cartoons and comments I’ve ever seen.  Before all of this fades into memory, here’s a sample:

George W. Bush was probably the most useless president in US history, with the start of two foreign wars, the inability to capture or kill bin Laden, a tax cut that gave the top 1% millions of dollars at the expense of the middle and lower classes, and the squandering of the surplus left by President Clinton part of which was used to give tax breaks to millionaires.

Al Gore won the popular vote in 2000, but George Bush, with the “assistance” of the Supreme Court that voted 5 to 4 to stop the counting of ballots in Florida, “won” the election and brought the US eight disastrous years.

Bill Maher, truth teller.

A Republican congressman said that when a woman is raped she will not become pregnant because “the female body has ways to shut that thing down.”  Tell that to the women who became pregnant after being raped.

–Mitt Romney on the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

Donald Trump, failed billionaire, has said over and over that Obama cannot legally be president because he wasn’t born in the US.  Obama was born in Hawaii, USA, as his birth certificate clearly states.

Big Bird says no to Mitt Romney after Romney said he will cut all funds to PBS, (government-funded like the BBC), which has done more than anyone or anything to teach the children of America the alphabet, numbers, and the importance of being nice to each other.

Mitt Romney was taped in a private meeting with wealthy Republicans saying that he doesn’t care about the 47% of Americans who don’t pay income tax.  This includes senior citizens on Social Security, much of the working and middle classes, and people in the military whose lives are in constant danger.

Amen!

And she shall rise again!       Courtesy Timeline photos

A squirrel at the SATs . . .

25 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by in How we're coming along, Humor/humour

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OK, I may have had too much to drink (an overly full glass of wine–I’m a cheap date, what can I say?) but I was just registering my high school daughter to take the SAT when I came across this in the College Board website regarding submitting a photograph to be used as identification at the SAT test center:

“Choosing an Acceptable Photo

  1. Your appearance in the photo MUST match how you will look on the day of the test or you will not be admitted to the test center. For example, if you upload a photo of someone else or a photo of an animal, you will NOT be admitted.“

A photo of an animal?  An animal?  Really, College Board??? Really???

Yay! I’m going to take the SATs!  And then I’m going to hide some nuts for winter!                             (Photograph courtesy of National Geographic)

It really makes you wonder about the people who are going to American colleges these days . . . and the people who administer the tests.

Stupid things parents do!

10 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in How we're coming along, Humor/humour, Parenting

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A couple of years ago, I wrote a parenting column for the Boston (US) Globe Sunday magazine. I enjoyed it because my kids supplied me with a variety of subjects and it gave me a way to write about things that mattered deeply to me.  But, with the focus of this blog on living in England and the differences between the US and UK, I’ve written much less about my kids than in earlier years.

And then I did something even more stupid than when I, as a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky baby, rubbed diaper rash cream on my face, thinking it was face cream, and then proceeded to cover my entire face with it all the while sensing by its smell and texture that something wasn’t right but unable to identify what it was.

So last night I was lying on my daughter Meg’s bed, reading to her.  Although she is nine and a little bookworm, she still likes me to read to her at night.

Our ritual is for me to read to Meg first, then for her to continue reading her book and for me to read my own book while she settles into sleep.

I was reading The Red Book, by Deborah Copaken Kogan, about four women Harvard graduates at their 20th college reunion.  I was only mildly interested, wasn’t keeping all the people sufficiently straight in my mind, but was determined to finish it.

Meg’s book was about a girl and some ghosts.  I’d already read her a chapter, when I realized that she hadn’t brushed her teeth. When she returned from the bathroom, I picked up the book and resumed reading to her.  I’d read about three pages when I got to:

“‘My work wife, Mia, has already called her.  Even before 9/11.  And–here’s the real kicker–though I feel a little guilty about what happened, and was obviously worried what would happen if Mia found out, if I’m really being honest with myself, I don’t regret it.  When I think about it, which of course I end up doing whenever that day is mentioned–I mean that’s my cross to bear, I guess, cheating on my wife on the one day of our generation’s lives that will go down in infamy.”

Cheating on my wife?  I threw the book down.  What the hell is going on with children’s literature!  “This is SO INAPPROPRIATE,” I thundered to Meg.

“Mommy,” Meg said, “that’s your book.”  She handed me a book with a ghost on the cover.  “This one is mine.”

Back to School!!!

05 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by in How we're coming along, Humor/humour, Parenting

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All over the US, England, and no doubt other countries around the world, parents are celebrating the end of summer.* 

With the new school year about to begin in the US and UK, my eye drifts to this cartoon that I tacked on my bulletin board ten years ago after a two-and-a-half-month-long summer “vacation” which was all kids, all the time.

Like almost all parents, I adore my kids, but I also need them in school so I can do my work–something which, as a writer, is the first casualty when the kids are around.

I will miss them and all of our summer rituals and pleasures, but it’s wonderful to return to my second love–writing.  And, after all, they’ll be home by 3.

*  (Apologies to the cartoonist whose name I accidentally cut out while clipping this brilliant cartoon ten years ago.)